this weekend has been a struggle for me. i went to see somebody everybody hates. a person without a soul. a person i continue to love and i dont know why? i forgive him for what he done.i still feel pain deep inside,and most of the time i feel numb. i want his love more than anything. i would give what life i have to him, if only he loved me.  i dont understand love at all. the only thing i have known about love has been pain. i really dont think its real i think it is a word people use to get what they want.

   i visited my mommy. i noticed the stillness there,birds chirping,quiet and peaceful. i would give anything to hear her voice again. to feel her touch one last time. i will be with her one day,beside her in the still and peaceful place i am finding to be more my home than now. i had one last plan and its in place. the only thing i lack now is time. and a date.

  i see people around me fading,i hear sounds in the night of sickness,that echo my mind. loss of control and fear are taking over everybody around me. what i feel inside i dont have words to say.i cry in the night for someone to hear me and resue me where i am.nobody hears me. i remember being a little girl that cried in the night for somebody to resue her,she cried for help and nobody came. she begged them to stop, and nobody heard the cry of the little girl. the little girl still cries. and still nobody hears. where did the little girl go? she is so lost and afraid.